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My children are my dogs. Sounds stupid, right? So do you when you say, my dogs are my children. #SAHD
I just put together a toy for my son with only ONE piece left over!!! I am getting good at this! #SAHD
23 days since our last accident in the pool. #SAHD
I can't wait until this kid is old enough to change his own diaper. #SAHD
I've been shot at, mugged and jumped by a gang, but I have never seen a more intimidating group of people than the Moms at the park. #SAHD
The hardest part about being a #SAHD is having to buy lemonade from a kid's stand instead of blowing by them flippin the bird like I used to.
Just slid down a pole for the first time in 20 years. Um... I'm not doing that again ever. #SAHD
I don't look at it like my 18mo swore for the first time, but more like he's learning Carlin's "7 Words You can't Say on TV!" #SAHD
Missed Connection: I was the one making an ass out of myself, being goofy, trying to get you to notice me. You were married to my mom.
I hope my son never gets trapped under a tractor because I can't even muster enough super human strength to get off this couch. #SAHD
Life lesson from a #SAHD: Forts are just as kick-ass as you remember.
Question for parents: It looks like my son might be left handed. Do we chop it off or is he possessed by the devil? #SAHD
I sit on the bench while my kid plays in the park. I feel like Mike from #BreakingBad #SAHD
My wife moved the toilet paper dispenser to the left side of the toilet. I don't think my marriage is strong enough to get through this.
Anybody want to see Laser Bieber with me tonight?
Gay marriage is legal in California! Congratulations. Now it's time to fight the real ban, plastic bags!
This world would be such a better place if every lunch came with a surprise pickle.